Dumbass things I did as a kid

May 13, 2014

Not only was I a super nerd, I was also really into doing stupid asshole dangerous things. I was a little fucking shit. I honestly have no idea why I did half the things I did, but these stood out particularly because they are funny/mean/stupid. I must have given my parents heart attacks on more than one occasion.

When I was really young, maybe 5 or so, I keyed a tic tac toe game into the side of my dad’s new truck. I have no idea why I did that. I guess I was bored and found his keys.

In elementary school, I wasn’t watching where I was going as I was exiting the building, and I walked straight into the metal bar that stood between the doorway. I had a huge egg on my forehead during ballet class after school.

In first or second grade I flipped off a girl from my bus seat window after she just got off. She rightfully got mad and flipped me the bird back. I had no idea what it meant. The next day I gave her the thumbs up and she returned the gesture. We were cool after that.

While learning to ride a two wheeler bike, I lost control and accidentally rode it down a sorta high stone wall into my driveway full of rocks. My parents thought I was fine and didn’t take me to the hospital.

My dad taught me how to ride the lawn mower at a really slow speed, like 2 mph. One day, I somehow lost control and rode over a forsythia bush. (Think of the scene in Austin Powers: Watch out!! Ahhhhh! Move move! Aahhhh!) It never grew normal again after that.

I’ve crashed two dirt bike/motor scooter vehicles. The scooter belonged to my grandpa and I got that baby up to 30 mph on the straightaway in our huge backyard. Big surprise, I lost control of the tiny handle bars and did that quick left-right-left-right over correcting maneuver and crashed it breaking off a rear view mirror. I was fine I guess.

I crashed my little dirt bike in a huge pot hole across the street from our house. The grass was really tall and it covered the hole. I flew over the handle bars for what felt like 30 feet and knocked the wind out of me. I was fine. I got up and rode it home.

While we’re on the topic of crashing things, I’ve pretty much crashed everything I’ve ever driven in, including my first car into the back of Brian’s old college roommate’s car. It wasn’t my fault though. We were leaving campus one night, and I was following behind them, when a cop ran a red light and it was raining so I slammed on the breaks and skidded into his bumper. I totaled the front of my car and his was totally fine.

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