How I get out of the house with a toddler in 45 steps

June 22, 2017

  1. Don’t make any plans until during nap time. That way, I’ll be awake enough to decide where I feel like going that day
  2. Nap time usually happens from 11-1 (or 12-3 on epic nap days)
    • If it’s an epic nap day, don’t do something that requires a far drive because traffic at 3pm starts to suck
    • If it’s a normal nap day, I’ll go and do whatever I feel like. But we HAVE to go somewhere
  3. Child wakes up and is usually in a good mood
  4. If I thought ahead, I will have prepared snacks for our outing, but I usually don’t because I’m spending nap time blogging, photographing, knitting, crocheting, doing me, whatever I want because it’s the only me time until Brian gets home.
  5. Bring child downstairs, he usually won’t eat a full meal at lunch so I figure snacks are good enough to get us by till dinner
  6. Plus, I really want to get the fuck out of the house by now so fuck lunch
  7. Run around house locating the following:
    • Shoes for me and child
    • Hat for me and child
    • Sun screen for me and child
    • Wallet
    • Phone
    • Keys
    • Water for me
    • Milk for him
  8. Put dogs up in their crates. One dog gives me attitude so she usually takes longer to listen to me than the other one and I get increasingly frustrated.
  9. Come downstairs, lock sliding glass door
  10. Where is child? Locate him playing with something I forgot to put away before I brought him down from his nap.
  11. Remove thing from him, pray he won’t scream at me, try to distract with more desirable object
  12. Realize I should’ve brought socks down while I was up there putting the dogs away
  13. Go back upstairs
  14. Retrieve socks
  15. Go pee in my bathroom since I’m up here
  16. Go downstairs but forgot my damn chapstick. I can’t go anywhere without my chapstick.
  17. Go back up the mother fucking stairs to retrieve chapstick. That’s it. Anything else I need can just forget it.
  18. Come downstairs
  19. Where is child? Locate him trying to stick his arm inside the cabinet underneath the sink even though there is a safety lock on it. It still opens like 2 inches so he can see all the danger.
  20. Where did I want to go again? Oh right, this new park we haven’t gone to yet.
  21. Look up park location on Google maps so all I have to do is hit GO
  22. Throw all the supplies from #7 into backpack. I’m all about being hands free
  23. Bring backpack, child, and shoes into family room, the room that is before the garage where the car is.
  24. Lock gate so child stays in this room or else he will go up in the living room and make me go after him
  25. Child actually likes putting on his shoes but check to see if diaper is clean first or else I’ll have to take off his shoes to change his diaper
  26. Diaper is clean. HOORAY!
  27. Put on child’s socks
  28. Put on child’s shoes
  29. Put on child’s sunscreen
  30. Put on child’s hat
  31. Put on my shoes
  32. Put his sunscreen on me because it’s all I have right now
  33. Put on my hat
  34. Put on my backpack
  35. Gather up child
  36. Go out to the garage to load us up
  37. Strap child into his car seat, give him a toy or milk, whatever he wants
  38. Make sure the stroller in the back of the car is the appropriate stroller for where we’re going
    • It could be a rocky terrain or a paved terrain. I don’t know. Jogger is safest bet.
  39. Get myself into car and realize how damn much I’m SWEATING right now and don’t really feel like going anywhere anymore
  40. Back car out of garage
  41. Close garage door with automatic opener
  42. Click GO on GPS
  43. But the internet connection I had in the house is now gone so I have to wait for the connection to switch to 3G before the stupid Google Maps bitch will tell me where to go
  44. This is the point I’ll usually get a text from someone
  45. AND WE’RE OFF!
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