I’ve been having the worst insomnia lately…the last 3-4 weeks actually. Ever since starting my new job, my stress has increased and my brain won’t shut the fuck up. But this last week especially, I’ve had it the worst. Every night I wake up at 2am on the dot. 2am. Boom. Eyes wide open. The complete and utter consistency alone freaks me out completely. I’ve even seriously considered maybe a ghost is fucking with me. You know, like in all those horror movies at the same time every night? Then sometimes I’ll get lucky and fall back asleep and wake up once an hour until I have to get up for work. But usually once I’m awake, my mind turns on like a light switch and I start thinking of all the things going on, the what ifs, the shoulda/coulda/woulda’s, the to-do lists, money, health, work, plans, stupid songs get stuck in my head, It’s seriously mental! And then I am wide awake and doomed to stay that way until my alarm goes off and I have to drag my tired ass 80 miles to work.
I tried taking sleeping pills which I will never do again. The hangover the next day is insane. Luckily, I experimented with taking a sleeping pill on a night where I didn’t have work the next day. And good thing I did because the entire day I was sleeping on the couch…in the daytime. I couldn’t shake it until well into the evening, which by then I was awake and didn’t want to go to sleep when I was supposed to.
I’ve also tried melatonin, which is supposed to help you fall asleep not stay asleep. And that’s where my problem lies. I have no problem falling asleep, it’s staying asleep. So the melatonin does shit for me either.
I’ve tried counting backwards from 300, I’ve tried visualization and positive thinking. I end internet browsing, Instagram, and tv an hour before bed. I read before bed from a book, not from my tablet because I know the light from the screen stimulates your brain into being awake. I have blackout curtains and ear plugs and an eye mask, but none of it matters. I really don’t want to have to see a doctor about this. I certainly don’t need anymore medical bills but it’s starting to interfere with my life and anxiety levels. I even get anxious about going to bed now. I used to love my bed.
It seems at this rate, a good whack to the head with a baseball bat would do the trick. I would have loved to sleep in today, since it’s Saturday and all. But no, I woke up again at 2, and was awake since 5am for no good reason, so I just gave up and came downstairs to write this blog post.