Pushing blindly through these days is killing my soul

November 8, 2013

Well, that was melodramatic, wasn’t it?


I swear, I’m usually a happy person, see?

I haven’t just sat and wrote in a while and I thought I’d open up a new post and go with it. I’ve been feeling really stressed about work lately. And it’s so dumb because the work I do is dumb. The job isn’t actually hard but it’s the constant repetitiveness and nitpicking that comes along with it. Do it this way….no no now do it that way…no do it this way nevermind….oh wait, you should probably just go ahead and do it that way, the long and hard way. I just found out yesterday that the way I’ve been doing criminal searches was wrong (not wrong, like I’m going to let a criminal through, but wrong as in no one else who does what I do is doing it that way). But I was only doing what I was told to do. Exactly what I was told to do by my manager nine months ago when I started. No one communicates. No one wants to work as a team. But when something goes wrong, everyone has something to say.

And it’s making my brain and soul hurt and there’s been plenty of times where right in the middle of an internet search with 300 results, the webpage times out and I fucking cry at my desk. And to make it worse, I don’t really have anyone to talk to, except my cubicle neighbor who is great but she can’t really relate because she has a different job responsibility and I feel like I’m making a big deal out of nothing. So I sit there all bottled up full of anger, annoyance, depression, with feelings of worthlessness and dread and I don’t say anything. Everyone I see is a familiar stranger. People come and go so often because it fucking sucks there. You ask one manager something and you’ll get a completely different answer from another one. What is the right way to do things then? This shouldn’t be so hard.

I scour Craigslist and get email alerts for radiology jobs every other day and I have applied to a few but, a DUH, NO ONE ever gets back to me because of whatever reason. I have this fantasy that I think about all the time while mind-numbingly running names at work. In this fantasy, I receive an xray job offer that isn’t set to start for another 3 weeks, but it’s guaranteed to be mine. Then I will call in sick for a week at my current job and use up all my 31 measly hours of PTO (because they probably wont like it if I called in sick during those two weeks of my two weeks notice) and take a nice long mental health vacation. I’ll sleep the shit out of my bed. Crochet the shit out of my yarn. Walk the shit out of my dogs. Run the shit out of my treadmill. Read the shit out of my Kindle. Blog the shit out of WordPress. Then I’ll come back refreshed with a 2 weeks notice letter and finish out those two weeks and then it’s so long, suckers! Haha oh how I wish…

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