I nearly lost myself there for a beat and it was pretty scary. The baby blues hit me really damn hard. Baby blues sounds so cute almost, like a small Tiffany blue box with a big puffy bow on top that has a few tears, tissues, dirty diapers, and sniffles inside, but dude it’s more like a big black box with no bottom that can spring any sort of emotion good, bad, scary, sad on on you at any moments notice and complete with ugly crying, not the cute little boohoo, but like full on uncontrollable belly squeezing waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh sob sob snort snort boogers dripping down my face, ugly cry all over my husband’s shirt. And the shadows of the fears inside are way scarier than they really are. Burnt my bagel? Cried. Eating dinner out for the first time? Cried. Tired? Cried. Stuck pumping breast milk in the nursery alone and feeling like a cow? Cried. And being so exhausted from not having a break after the most physically jarring experience of my life just exacerbated it. I had the shakes for a few days once we got home. For almost two weeks I cried everyday, mostly at night once it got dark and I was dreading the sleep loss I was about to have. I was exhausted, forgetting everything, scared and anxious, but not of my baby. I wasn’t scared of him, I love the hell out of him. I was scared of how the heck I was going to take care of this new human on my own once everyone leaves, scared of this huge life change, but also because of all the pain and uncomfortableness I was having literally everywhere on my body (wrists, UTI, I still feel my epidural site, stitches, cramps, migraines, engorged boobs). But with my parents being here for 2 weeks, and Brian being a total supportive rock star, they got me through the worst of it. I’m finally feeling like myself again. I even lost all the baby weight and I don’t mean for that to sound like a humblebrag. I was really shocked at how fast that happened. It was totally unexpected. But it sure feels good to be able to wear my old clothes again. And I can’t wait for my next Stitch Fix lol!
Because of my long and traumatic labor (perhaps one day I’ll share my birth story but for now I don’t even want to think about it, plus I have blocks of memory missing), my midwife recommended I come in to see her one week post partum instead of waiting the normal 6 weeks. I’m so glad I did too. She wrote me a prescription for Imitrex (my chronic daily migrines are back full force and I can’t take a steroid taper – my one and only cure – with feeding Lach breast milk) and I was really really scared of falling into actual post partum depression so she wrote me a script for Zoloft. Two and a half weeks since birth, I’m starting to feel more like myself so I haven’t taken either of those meds yet, but they are in my arsenal just in case. I’ll probably take the Imitrex with my next migraine though. Those are no joke and turn me into a sleepy sad mess. But I’m looking forward to start getting back in shape.
Also, I went to a hand orthopedist who diagnosed me with De Quervains tendonitis and gave me steroid injections in my wrist joints and I have been pain free for 2 days since. It’s amazing. I really hope it lasts because I can pick up the baby, brush my teeth, crochet, do dishes, all the normal things I couldn’t do before without wanting to chop off my hands for the last three months.
Lachlan’s pediatrician has been the most supportive of me with my decision to exclusively pump. Probably because she herself had problems with latching and getting her own kids to breastfeed. I felt like the lactation consultant in the hospital after birth was extremely against it and wouldn’t even let me use my own Medela pump I brought to practice. She made it sound like if I didn’t breastfeed or use a hospital grade pump only, Lachlan wouldn’t get enough food, my breasts wouldn’t completely empty between each feeding which would affect my supply (which she’s right about but my pump is pretty damn good – I googled the hell out of other exclusive pumpers and their experience with a non-hospital grade pump), so I was stressed beyond reason. Every time she saw me over my hospital stay, she’d be squishing my son’s mouth onto my breasts and I’d cringe and tolerate it, like oh yea sure the pain is decreasing after ten seconds…..you freakin liar because it still hurts 2 minutes later. Every time Lach was hungry I’d cringe knowing the pain that was to come because I just had to breastfeed and deal with it like a woman. No one else could feed him but me, panic attack panic attack. But once I kept being told that I was almost overproducing and was a day ahead with my supply, my decision to pump was easy: the pain of BF was excruciating, Lach would never open his mouth wide to get a good latch no matter how many times he was shoved on my boob, he’d fall asleep on me and chew on me so he wasn’t even eating enough, the process would take entirely way too long than what I was comfortable with. But with a bottle of breast milk, he chugs it down. I know how much he’s getting. Brian can help me feed him at night. Yea, washing pump parts sucks a big one, but it’s all for him. He’s gained almost a pound since birth. And his jaundice is gone. And I have a bunch of bags frozen in the freezer for good measure all with my own Medela pump. So there.
The pups are so curious about the baby. While we were still in the hospital, Brian brought home a blanket he laid in so they could smell it in their crates. I think that helped a bit with the shock factor. But they have been really good around him. Mabel is trying her very best to not lick him. NO LICKS NO LICKS is all I ever say when she’s near. But most of the time she has a ball in her mouth and walks careful circles around him with her wiggle butt, just waiting for him to play. And the little noises he makes totally sounds like a squeaky dog toy at times so this perks their ears and gets them interested. They’ve been good with the change but I also know they are feeling neglected. Once I get into a rhythm with my days, I’ll take them individually on walks with the stroller.
He’s been such a good boy. At this point, he has his days and nights totally reversed so we’re working on switching that first and foremost. I’ve been waking him and feeding him as much as he’ll let me throughout the day and keeping it dark and boring at night feeds. He still wakes up about 3-5 times between 1-6am to eat and it’s those one hour breaks that are the hardest. If he could stretch it to 3 hours like he does in the day I think we’d feel so much better. And he makes the strangest noises at night too, like little squeaks and angry grunts so it’s hard to sleep even when he is sleeping because we’re keeping him in a pack-n-play in our room for now.
The pics above are some from his newborn photo shoot. The photographer worked so hard to get his little body posed. Some pics took about 20 minutes to get while she waited for him to fall asleep. We’re really happy with how they came out. He had his first bath yesterday and screamed bloody murder so it only lasted 3 minutes. Hopefully he’ll learn to like them more with time. But he is super alert, even since day one, he came out with his eyes open and staring. Sometimes when he’s in his rocker and been quiet for a while I’ll peek in to see if he’s sleeping only to find him just pleasantly lying there quietly awake looking at something. I wish he would do that at night! Then we’d be set.
But man, I’m still processing that we finally have our miracle baby after everything we went through. Our only embryo. I grew him! He’s finally here and I love him so hard.