Note: Apparently, the definition of “the grass is greener syndrome” is used when referring to not being happy in your relationship. I did not know that until I Googled it. But that is not the case with me and this post. To me, it is more of wanting something I used to have or never being happy with a decision I’ve made. My relationship is fine.
I really hate this about myself because it just solidifies my inability to make a damn decision and not second guess myself, but I have this stupid grass-is-greener syndrome where once I get what I want, the grass looks greener on the other side of the fence, whether that side is where I used to be or once I realize it’s not actually what I thought it would be and want out. For instance, with every job I’ve ever had, within a few weeks or months, I usually start to grow tired of the job responsibilities for one reason or another and almost wish I didn’t have to work again so I could have more time in my day to do what I want. But then I realize, fuck no, not working drove me insane, and it killed my self esteem with how I could not contribute financially to our household. How could I do that to myself again? But then again, maybe I feel this way because I’m so used to never keeping a job for longer than a year, that I get this itch where I need to change my environment and start fresh.
I’m really sick of this stupid cycle and it’s so predictable with me. Once I start realizing that there is a figurative fence, I start fretting about if this is the job where I am going to spend the next 30 years of my life doing. Which then sparks a whole slew of thoughts like I am smarter than this, or I am wasting my education, or I can’t do this long term, or I wish I had more time in my day to do what I want but that would make me unemployed again, especially if that job is not what I went to school for (IE my current job). Why do I have to always have to want a change of environment? Do I have job ADD? Am I just a giant kid needing constant stimulation to keep my attention?
But I’m learning to take what I can get in this world. If I have to work a job in a field I never thought I’d be working in before, so be it. If it’s going to help make ends meet so I can be a self-supporting contributing member of society, then great. I need to accept that the world of employment is different than it was even just 3 few years ago and that it’s not my fault I cant find a job in my chosen field. I need to learn how to break this stupid fence down so I can be happy with where I am and not want to always be on the other side of it.
And anyone who has ever said “follow your dreams” when it comes to choosing a career, obviously hasn’t experienced trying to find a job in the last few years. It’s a bunch of crap fed to kids (or anyone attending college at any age) these days when instead, they should be taught how to make smart decisions and think realistically. Dreams aren’t real but your paycheck is.
After typing all this, I’m still slightly frustrated that I don’t feel like I’ve gotten the right words out to express how I’m feeling about this. But it’s the best I can do for now. I hate how I sound like I’m complaining about a job I took over a year to find. I don’t hate the job itself, I’m just resentful that I can’t work in a career that took me years to realize I belong in. I am aware that it makes me sound selfish, hence the reason I need to stop this nonsense about wanting to be on the other side of this stupid fence!