Sadly, my first IVF failed. I was a “little bit” pregnant, but the numbers just weren’t high enough for a viable pregnancy. For the 5 days I knew I was pregnant, I was so happy and hopeful but it wasn’t meant to be. I feel fine physically though. But mentally and emotionally we are both so exhausted and need to recuperate. We are looking forward to getting back into a normal routine again that doesn’t include crying, fear, blood draws, ultrasound probes, and timed “relations.” We’re hoping to try all this again next year sometime. I can’t believe we have to do this to ourselves again but this time I’ll be more prepared and know what to expect so I think that will make things a little less traumatic.
I did learn one thing though, and it’s a pretty obvious thing that lots of people already know but it just took me a bit longer to discover it because I guess I always had a somewhat controlling personality and never knew it till now….there is NO way to control anything in your life. There’s no way I coulda controlled how many of my eggs fertilized. There’s no way I could have made my embryo grow stronger. There’s no way I coulda stopped it from ending. Taking that weight off my shoulders makes me feel so much lighter in my mind by just giving it up to the universe. Sure I’m super fucking pissed at the universe for taking it away from me, but I couldn’t have done anything about it and that makes me feel less guilty and slightly more at peace.
But we are looking forward to moving to Colorado. We finally sold our house last week to a woman who came in at the last minute with a full cash offer thanks to Daddy (who the hell has cash like that lying around?) and the low balling bidders we were dealing with before her were so upset they made it a point to have their realtor “relay” a super sad and pathetic message to us about their disappointment. And how the husband was handy and would fix things that may need fixing from the home inspection. Ok, 1) we bought the house a year ago and there is nothing that needs fixing and 2) nothing that would need fixing is worth the $7,000 we’d be out by going with them! We didn’t write back, but if they really wanted the house, they shoulda put their highest bid in right away instead of dicking us around and taking a full week to get back to us each time with the news that, surprise! our mortgage company is giving us more money after all, and they could’ve had it a week ago. But then we’d be out $7,000 so I feel no pity for them in the least, especially after all we’ve been through financially too with our IVF.
Also, I put in my two weeks notice at work so my last day is July 7th so I can get my holiday pay for July 4th. They make you work the day before and the day after the holiday in order to collect holiday pay. They are such dicks. I’m so ready to say good bye. I will only miss my cubicle neighbor who I’ve grown close to over the last year. She was right there with me through my entire fertility journey too and made me feel a little better about things. And if she was freaked out by how TMI I was about everything, she sure hid it well.
We’ll have to be out of our house July 14th, which was way sooner than we wanted but we’re fine with it since 1) we won’t be out $7,000, 2) we won’t have to pay a mortgage payment for a month, because 3) Brian’s company is putting us up in a hotel for up to 90 days while we find a new house. And houses are popping up all the time out there so for once, I’d like to not be worried about something and believe it will work out for the best.
Next up, is a vacation to the beach.