The scoop on work poop

August 22, 2013

Look, this rant is going to talk about pooping at work, specifically in the women’s restroom. If you are afraid of poop talk, or the thought of a woman pooping, you best get on out of here.

Okay, so poop happens. And it sometimes happens when you’re at work. And sometimes usually it’s always very uncomfortable to do it there (at least for me it is), mainly because 1) of the embarrassing smell you are about to impose on others and 2) people can hear each and every sound your butt makes. But the women who use the bathroom at my workplace like to have what I call, poop standoffs.

There are 5 stalls and typically they are always in use throughout the day. There is hardly any time where you will be the only one in there. If you are in there alone it’s like winning the lottery. And I fucking hate it if I have to poop because I know the other 4 women in there, who are most likely pooping too, are going to quietly hold their poop in until someone else flushes or dries their hands with the air dryer to mask the noise of going. Do you know how hard it is to stop pooping mid poop? Well it’s pretty uncomfortable as you can imagine. But I still don’t have it in me to throw my inhibitions to the wind and just go because of the deep set fear of my toilet neighbors identifying me by my pink pumas and thinking, sheesh, so she’s the one who tore it up in there earlier.

–A side note: I’ve talked to my husband about work poop and he says men’s room’s are much different in that they don’t give a crap what noise their crap makes on it’s exit. I am a bit jealous of that freedom, but at the same time I’m not so I don’t know what’s worse.–

Now, many minutes later when you finally manage to finish your business, you then have to deal with 1) the people who are waiting to use the next stall knowing you were the one who made it stink so bad and 2) the people who you were pooping with are now washing their hands with you so you avoid all eye contact. And I’ve been in both positions. I’ve been the pooper, and I’ve been the poor soul who has to go into that next stinky stall, the latter more than the former.

When I am the poor soul who has to go in that stinky stall, I can’t help but think of that moment in Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade where the knight says “He choose………..poorly” Because damn, I certainly chose the wrong time to come in to use the restroom and I certainly choose the wrong stall. Here, just watch this to see what I mean:


And finally, the last thing I hate having to deal with is the one and only hand air dryer. Our company is “green” so there are NO paper towels anywhere in the damn building. So when you are washing your hands with 4 other women, you will most likely have to wait to dry your hands about 2-3 minutes, which doesn’t seem like a lot of time, but by the time you are next to finally dry your hands, they have already air dried. What the fuck.

So!

From now on, here’s a few things I’ll be incorporating into my bathroom visits:
-Paper towels. I will be storing a roll of paper towels for my personal use at my desk.
PooPourri. My mom gave me a bottle for Christmas last year and it actually sorta works.

As ridiculous as it sounds, I’m interested to hear your work pooping tips or stories. And I also hope this post receives at least one comment because if not, then I’ll feel like a giant turd for having confessed all this.

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